tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272622090703147272024-03-12T17:45:08.554-07:00Sandi AtmoreLife Coach & Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®
sandi.atmore@gmail.comAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.comBlogger75125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-88268013461759453492017-11-28T11:29:00.002-08:002017-11-28T11:29:48.383-08:00Why are the Holidays so Challenging?<br />
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<br />It's amazing just how much we can feel over the holiday season. There isn't a person that I speak with that isn't aware that the holidays can bring up many painful emotions either for them or for someone that they know. There are multitudes of blogs and posts that illustrate this point. Yet, in the back drop of our ever increasing stress are holiday songs (that seem to play in the stores way too soon), Christmas decorations, and loads of commercials all depicting happy families experiencing the beautiful connection of a holiday morning. </div>
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I recognize that for some, connective and fun holidays are a reality. There are many that enjoy this season and relish in the festivities that it brings. Yet, for so many this is not the case. Many of us can even begin the season with the expectation of happiness and end it on a note that is anything but joyful. </div>
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So what is it about the holiday season that brings pain to the surface for so many?<br />
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1. Loved ones that are no longer present during the holidays. These are people that we once enjoyed this special time with and holiday gatherings are a painful reminder that they are no longer with us. On the converse side of this, is "less than" loved ones that are no longer present. Often, a painful relationship that has ended because of death, also brings with it the realization that resolution will never be possible.<br />
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2. Unmet goals or expectations of self or others also can come in to focus at this time of year. Suddenly it's November and we realize that the year is nearly over. What happened to the goals and dreams I had for this year?<br />
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3. Broken family relationships that we may choose not to look at during the year become painfully clear during the holidays. This can become particularly clear when we see all of those wonderful commercials that show case what looks like the "perfect" family.<br />
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4. Financial distress is compounded during the holidays simply due to the pressure we can feel to buy gifts. We then become even more aware of what we "don't have".<br />
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5. The most profound compounder of holiday stress often comes from the pressure we may feel (whether external or internal) to "be" joyful. Stress happens when I suppress what I really feel and put on a face so that I feel more accepted by others. The problem with this is that it takes a great deal of energy to wear a mask. So stuffing my feelings not only increases stress but it also makes me quite tired.<br />
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So what is the solution? How do we have a different experience over this holiday season? It really comes down to honesty and good self care. It's important to talk with people who are willing to listen without judging. It's also important to take the pressure off and be okay with sad feelings. Just by acknowledging those feelings and expressing them to someone who will listen, you will feel differently. This will help you to be present and not look for ways to check out.<br />
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It may also help you to see that there are things unresolved inside that need attending to beyond just a conversation. The holidays tend to surface what we already carry inside yet have avoided. Don't miss out on the opportunity to discover what hurts so that you can find a process or a professional to help you. <br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-28216141743918863582017-11-13T11:31:00.005-08:002017-11-13T11:31:46.201-08:00The Business and Relational Killer<br />
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I have been in the "business" arena for a long time through a variety of different industries in the sales and marketing field. I owned a corporation with a business partner for three and a half years. In 2010 I walked away from my corporate business and began searching for a new career. So when I started my own business as a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® and later added Life Coaching, I brought with me several years of marketing expertise that should have propelled me in to almost immediate success.</div>
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The truth is; however, that I struggled those first few years. In spite of the fact that I was well versed in Grief Recovery and had been mentoring and coaching people for a long time, I had another obstacle that at times seemed almost insurmountable to overcome, that obstacle was me.<br />
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I grew up in a home where I was unseen, belittled and abused. As I grew in to adulthood I compensated for the internalized voices that spoke to me of my worthlessness by working hard to prove my worth. I was driven, perfectionistic, a people pleaser and though I showed an outer confidence, inside I was riddled with insecurities. That combination worked well in the corporate world, where a business entity stood between me and the people that I marketed to. However, once I stepped in to Grief Recovery and Life Coaching the only person standing between me and the people I served was, well me.<br />
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When I looked at the world around me through the lens of my internal dialogue, what I saw was competition and lack. I felt that others were better than me and that I needed to compete with those in the same field as me. I compared myself to other professionals and always came up short in my mind. I lacked two things, identity and right perspective. My focus on competition and comparison delivered just what my mind conceived, I was not enough, not making enough, insecure and stressed.<br />
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In spite of the fact that I was very good at what I did and should have had great results, I managed to create just the opposite. All because I had the wrong perspective and a misplaced identity.<br />
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It wasn't improved marketing skills that turned things around for me. It was a shift in understanding that I am worthy no matter what result I get in business or relationship and secondly that a competitive mindset is simply a killer for relationships and for business.<br />
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I learned to celebrate the successes of others and to have gratitude for their skills. I learned that another's blessing meant that I could be blessed too. Instead of seeing through the eyes of lack, I realized that there is more than enough for everyone. I began to refer people to other professionals if their need was a match. I focused on my side of the street, on being the best that I could be and praising people that were doing the same.<br />
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Just that shift in focus yielded incredible results. It turns out that when I referred people to professionals that matched them, I received referrals. When I praised others for their skills and celebrated their successes, others did the same for me. I was no longer alone, tight fisted, clinging to what little I thought I had, I was now open handed, giving and receiving in abundance.<br />
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There have been selected moments when an old thought pattern looks to emerge itself and overtake my psyche back to the disastrous train of competitive and lack thinking. It just doesn't stick anymore. I've seen too many great results and have much more freedom with this new way of being.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-2148899962293627552017-10-03T12:41:00.001-07:002017-10-03T12:41:30.044-07:00The Las Vegas Tragedy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In light of the recent shootings in Las Vegas, I am struck by how people are capable of extreme evil and yet, at the same time others capable of extreme goodness. Currently, there are 59 people reported killed and over 500 reported as injured. I cannot begin to imagine the heartache of family members and loved ones of those killed and for those critically hurt or injured. For others who were present at the event, the shock and trauma of gunfire and bloodshed is difficult to understand let alone process.<br />
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As the event has unfolded, I am amazed at the number of people rising up to offer help and support. During Hurricane Harvey it was the highway lined with trucks pulling boats headed to the heart of the flooding to aid in the rescue efforts. Now, during the Las Vegas shooting, it is hundreds of volunteers, from pastors, to grief specialists, to nurses, doctors and hospitals all contributing their time and energy to help those in need.<br />
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I have a personal friend who is also a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® who is there in Las Vegas serving, alongside hundreds of other volunteers.<br />
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There are also heroes, such as Sonny Melton - a nurse from Tennessee- who died shielding his wife from the bullets raining down on them.<br />
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Or Mike Cron, a retired teacher from Alaska, who used his pickup truck as a makeshift ambulance to transport those wounded in the shooting.<br />
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Still, the immense amount of grief felt by so many can seem overwhelming. Below are words written from the Grief Recovery Institute, along with resources to help you or anyone else who is trying to process the pain during this difficult time.<br />
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<i>On behalf of everyone at the Grief Recovery Institute, and our thousands of Grief Recovery Method Specialist’s worldwide, we extend our thoughts, prayers and love to everyone impacted by the heartbreaking mass shooting in Las Vegas, NV.</i></div>
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<i>We know that loss and grief are about all of the normal and natural human emotions caused when everything familiar changes. Even if we don’t personally know those who died, or were injured, events such as this still impact us all on an emotional level. As members of the human race, we feel for the victims and those struggling to understand the conflicting feelings and emotions surrounding what has happened; our hearts ache for the pain experienced by others. It’s normal to experience grief ourselves as we reflect upon what the victims and their families are going through, or we wonder what it would be like to go through something similar. Our view of the world, our nation and our community is impacted…we feel a loss of safety and security. We grieve.</i></div>
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<i>As people grieve for what has happened, we want to express and extend our love and support. We also know that people, when they are grieving, tend to isolate themselves, to feel very much alone and afraid for many reasons.</i></div>
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<i>We want people to know, you to know, that you are never alone in your pain.</i></div>
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<i>For 40 years, the Grief Recovery Method has helped millions of grieving people to heal their broken hearts after a loss. Over the decades, the Institute has been a resource for information on the topic of grief and loss, to help and aid grievers, and support relief efforts after a tragedy, such as 9/11, Katrina and other devastating events. The Grief Recovery Institute is here to help, as are our network of Specialists. We already have Grief Recovery Specialists responding in Las Vegas; the Institute is offering to be a resource to you and others as well.</i></div>
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<i>Our website offers a wide range of <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://mail.griefrecoverymethod.com/e1t/c/*W8rYc3d6rlv1BN8f2YDLJMdFk0/*W4ncJH-2rdc7zW5RRgjz60PdG60/5/f18dQhb0SnGY9jW3snW3z95Cr7bj6jnW2Kdm8b5wvLJxW1qf_Rs2B_DYvW2KBfjW8Zkx3sW8V6rz254FW3DW52XNnB7r9gk-W4cyvW28T78JxW8Wm1wh2MznrNN5nbq6BGXpVfW3-Q1xD2KGDwgN3n8YfSK3HFhW8WsqV26V551rW3v7vPM5G1GqNW7ftDvN5KxXB6W5KDCtZ12tL7fW5B52gK1gc9CgW5lN3j71B8ZXhW2r5Kr42HT8mrW1Hsy3W4Xr8s9VYSX-57m_B1RW5c8d-S378fhWW2BcnBL2znnNGW745SD-4XHb90N3Lsfkd309hcW8qYl0T2xvV7CW4L-bXW2ppRL-W169fhM1ctdPbW9hWbSw4VJpdvW7d24_71n8pBWW9hNpRp2TcQBrW4XJYSs412WMTW516YKy4qVm0lW7ZnB8Y6bCYYkW4Lh43w1ptRzSW7Yc6s_2BFKCnW58q_zD6Hr2ZCW4JQ5xk8csGDVVD2JF57xM5g4W8Y6c9D239BjjVWw-tl2GD9D7W49x0t44nB3r7N2WLJv9NfLD5W6w7Vkb6-wPMYW1M7Bg08Y1XW5W2pglVT6vc-Z6W2C93Yk48YJTM0&source=gmail&ust=1507137121462000&usg=AFQjCNFPK4EJq3N81oHWnE9K1B9R2IOGfQ" href="http://mail.griefrecoverymethod.com/e1t/c/*W8rYc3d6rlv1BN8f2YDLJMdFk0/*W4ncJH-2rdc7zW5RRgjz60PdG60/5/f18dQhb0SnGY9jW3snW3z95Cr7bj6jnW2Kdm8b5wvLJxW1qf_Rs2B_DYvW2KBfjW8Zkx3sW8V6rz254FW3DW52XNnB7r9gk-W4cyvW28T78JxW8Wm1wh2MznrNN5nbq6BGXpVfW3-Q1xD2KGDwgN3n8YfSK3HFhW8WsqV26V551rW3v7vPM5G1GqNW7ftDvN5KxXB6W5KDCtZ12tL7fW5B52gK1gc9CgW5lN3j71B8ZXhW2r5Kr42HT8mrW1Hsy3W4Xr8s9VYSX-57m_B1RW5c8d-S378fhWW2BcnBL2znnNGW745SD-4XHb90N3Lsfkd309hcW8qYl0T2xvV7CW4L-bXW2ppRL-W169fhM1ctdPbW9hWbSw4VJpdvW7d24_71n8pBWW9hNpRp2TcQBrW4XJYSs412WMTW516YKy4qVm0lW7ZnB8Y6bCYYkW4Lh43w1ptRzSW7Yc6s_2BFKCnW58q_zD6Hr2ZCW4JQ5xk8csGDVVD2JF57xM5g4W8Y6c9D239BjjVWw-tl2GD9D7W49x0t44nB3r7N2WLJv9NfLD5W6w7Vkb6-wPMYW1M7Bg08Y1XW5W2pglVT6vc-Z6W2C93Yk48YJTM0" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">searchable information</a> on grief, grieving, and topics to understand the emotional reaction to loss, such as the loss of safety and security being felt. We also offer several free eBooks on grief, in addition to our library of articles. Lastly, we have a Specialist locator for identifying Grief Recovery Specialists throughout the world, in addition to the Institute offering whatever help we can to your efforts to provide valuable and helpful information to those you serve.</i></div>
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<i>If I can be of any assistance to you, or you would like any information to aid your efforts to help others, please don’t hesitate to contact the Grief Recovery Institute or me. If you feel this information would be helpful to your friends and family, please forward this email to them and encourage them to share as well.</i></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-45017166013753422662017-09-21T11:11:00.002-07:002017-09-21T11:11:56.709-07:00Intention<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I recently attended a Jack Canfield event call "One Day to Greatness". Jack Canfield is the author of <i>Chicken Soup for the Soul</i>, along with several other books including, <i>The Power of Focus</i>. It was a great reminder of the power of intention. Setting our sites on what is within our hearts and finding that things come as a result.<br />
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My husband and I often set 90 day goals in a variety of different categories (i.e. Spiritual, physical, emotional. vocational, mental, relational). We choose 3 - 4 goals and make certain that they are S.M.A.R.T. (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Reasonable & Timely). Five days per week we hold each other accountable for taking one step toward each goal. Those steps can be small. It could be an email, a phone call, 15 minutes of reading, 20 minutes of research and so on. The point is that we are taking a step each day.<br />
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What I find amazing is that just by setting my mind on the goal itself and taking steps in the direction of the goal, solutions and support seem to appear out of nowhere.<br />
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Recently, I set a goal to increase my following on social media by 50 percent. I don't always have time to attend to the daily tasks of posting and creating more followers, yet I realize that it is necessary to increase business and gain more exposure for my upcoming book. That Monday, my husband and I met in the morning over breakfast and I placed my one step on my daily "to do" list. I will post something today.<br />
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Later that day, I received a call from a friend of mine. He is a creative and a marketer. He said, "Hey Sandi, I have this idea for you. It's a women's talk show that would air monthly for thirty minutes as a Facebook Live stream. Every month, you can have a different topic with guests. The theme is women that have overcome in certain areas of their lives. We will video tape this and I will edit it in to smaller videos that will also be part of a youtube channel."<br />
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I immediately became excited. "Derrick, this is brilliant!"<br />
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Since that conversation, we have met, vetted out the first show, identified the guests, met with the director and will be doing a taped rehearsal on Saturday that will give us footage to promote the live show. I am overwhelmed by the support of my friend, the guests and all the people who are coming together to make it happen. I am certain that the show will be an inspiration and hope to many. The first topic is on sexual abuse and will showcase the difference between living in avoidance and denial, which bring frustration and fear or taking the seemingly more challenging road of facing the truth, which lead to connection, wholeness and purpose.<br />
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I am still in awe at the power of intention. I could not do this show by myself nor had the idea even occurred to me. Yet, because I was focused on a goal, ways to achieve that goal began to appear.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-83282788865455769002017-06-01T10:51:00.002-07:002017-06-01T10:51:13.167-07:00Out of Hiding<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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It's hard to believe that it's been over two years since I've blogged. It isn't because I haven't been writing. I have been writing, a lot actually. Over the last two years, I have been writing a book. When I started I thought I could complete the book in a few months, six max. Over two years later, the manuscript is nearly completed. It is in the second round of edits.<br />
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The journey to be here, back to blogging after finishing this book has been exciting, scary, frustrating and embarrassing all wrapped in one. I don't think of myself as a writer and therefore, felt ill equipped to take on such a task. As I believe many Christian authors do, I also felt called by God to write what I never thought I could. The book is about me. My life, the abuse I suffered and the healing journey that God has taken me on. It's about living born again. We hear the term, we know we are supposed to live as new creations once we accept Jesus as Lord and Savior, but what does that really mean? My journey from abuse and meth addiction to the salvation given me by God is only one part. The uncomfortable journey to living born again in the freedom promised by Jesus himself is quite another.<br />
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Though the only ones who have read my manuscript at this point are me and my editor, I already feel exposed. I mean what will people think of me? Who do I think I am to write a book such as this? What will my family say? What criticism and rejection will I face by the people who read it? The voices in my head at times feel overwhelming. As though Satan himself were pushing the buttons of every insecurity I possess.<br />
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And then there is another voice. Softer perhaps, yet, filled with peace. It says, "it's time to come out of hiding." This voice steadies me as I prepare for the next part of my walk with My Creator.<br />
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Two weeks ago, as I was going through the first round of edits from the editor, I went into the "book" folder on my computer to check an earlier version of the manuscript. I happened to see a file titled "Letter to Me". I was intrigued. I didn't remember the file and I certainly didn't remember writing a letter to myself. As I opened it and read the words, I was stunned. Tears rolled down my face as I read words that I had written to myself over two years prior.<br />
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Sandi this letter is to you. You have a story to tell my dear. It’s not an every day story it is a story that will impact millions of people. And the story is within you thoroughly backed up by the Holy Spirit. You have to get this out on paper. There is no way around it, you simply have to. This is your life and it’s not going to run away from you. </i></span></blockquote>
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<i><span style="font-kerning: none;">I know this flies in the face of everything you’ve ever learned. You believed that you would never be heard and now here you are writing a book that breaks generations of silence. I know it’s scary and I know you have many doubts. I know you feel intimidated. I know the enemy is attacking in every way that he can. Yet, the One who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. This book represents more than words on paper, it represents you standing up fully and taking your power back. That power deep within your spirit that is dying to get out. </span> </i></blockquote>
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<i><span style="font-kerning: none;">Know that God will be with you every step of the way. He will comfort you and sustain you. He will guide you and inspire you. He will be your fortress and strength. He has prepared you for this moment and he has cleared the way for you to write. Take those little steps of obedience and God will move mountains. </span><br /><span style="font-kerning: none;">I love you.</span><br /><span style="font-kerning: none;">Sandi</span></i></blockquote>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">I </span>believe<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> that many of us have hidden places within ourselves that we fear exposure of. I know I do. Everything I learned growing up taught me to hide that which I or others deemed undesirable or </span>unacceptable<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">. However, the idea of hiding is not from God. It is Satan's tool to keep at least parts of us in darkness so that He can have some sort of </span>reign<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> even if God owns our soul. </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">It's time to come out of hiding.</span></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-56718962437409847422015-01-23T16:58:00.002-08:002015-01-23T16:58:46.030-08:00Is Procrastination Killing Your New Years Resolutions?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's interesting to be writing about the subject of procrastination when I haven't blogged in months. The truth is, I've been working on a book project and I have found that all my writing energies are going in to my book. However, even in writing the book I find that I want to put off the hard work until tomorrow or the next day.<br />
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Procrastination seems to be a universal truth for many people. It shows up in various forms and takes on different lives, yet the outcome is always the same. That thing that I really need or desire to do I don't do. And, that thing that I don't want to do because it is a waste of time, that I do in excess. We can procrastinate in our careers, relationships, dreams, health, eating plans, organization and so many other areas. Sometimes it can seem when we have overcome procrastination in one area of our lives, it rears its ugly head in another.<br />
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So once again, we begin the new year with a fresh start and an energized resolve. This year will be different. This year I will do those things that have been pressing at my heart to do. This year, I will be better. Yet, what was once reignited resolve often fizzles more quickly than we could ever imagine. Once again, we find ourselves slipping back to old patterns and and putting off that which we were so excited to change.<br />
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What I find in the new year is that with all the resolutions of weight loss and outward change, very little thought is given to the inside. I don't necessarily mean the foods that you are putting in your body, though those are certainly important. I am talking about the inside of your heart. What most of us need more than anything else is an emotional detox.<br />
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Most of us are trained beginning at a very young age to stuff that which we feel. Emotions have energy and what you do not express you will suppress and that means that energy will stay in your body for a life time unless you learn how to express it and get it out for good. If you're wondering what that has to do with procrastination, let me tell you. We learn to avoid what we feel.<br />
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Procrastination is an outward manifestation of an inward experience. When you avoid what you are carrying on the inside, you will avoid that which is difficult on the outside. When we do not face our pain, we will not face our lives, it is that simple. If you go inside first and deal with what you are running from, you will begin to face that which you have been avoiding in the outer world. We live from the inside out, it doesn't happen any other way.<br />
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I know this first hand. When I was at my lowest, addicted to drugs, medicating and avoiding in any way possible the pain that I was carrying, I did not deal with my life. Mail would stack up in volumes and I would feel anxiety just at at the thought of opening it. Everything around me was a mess. Yet, when I chose to face what I was suppressing and walk through it, my life changed drastically. Now, I open the mail as soon as it comes.<br />
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So if this is coming up for you, what will you do different on the inside this year? You will make tremendous change if you chose that route.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-66176988578778455722014-10-27T14:11:00.001-07:002014-10-27T14:11:46.126-07:00The Danger of Positive Thinking that Does Not Equal Joy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I am really excited about the series that our Church is doing. It is called 40 Days to a joy filled life. It is based on the Scripture in Philippians 4:8 that reads "...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." The workbook is written by Tommy Newberry who is an author and a Life Coach. I've also been listening to his audio book called The 4:8 Principle. All very good stuff and I highly recommend them both.<br />
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What I realized in the midst of doing this work is that I somehow had confused the concept and was applying the Scripture inappropriately. I had a week where I was really struggling with feeling sad and afraid. I kept trying to "think positive" and to get myself to joy. It was a disaster. I actually felt worse. It was no fault of the author and of course of the Scripture. It just goes to show how things that we learn at a young age can trickle in and make something into something that it is not.<br />
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I was trying to take Philippians 4:8 and make it in to our modern idea of "positive thinking". The idea of positive thinking is that if you just think in a positive nature then everything in your life will work out. The problem comes that if something happens and you have an emotional response that is not positive then what do you do with it? I have found that applying just the modern concept of thinking positively leads to stuffing, minimizing and denial. In addition, what you resist will actually persist. If positive thinking is used as a way to resist feeling then the feelings will grow, not lessen.<br />
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Emotions don't work the same way as our mind does. They do not just switch on and off. Once you have an emotional response it will stay there until it is acknowledged and released. That is why we can carry emotional baggage from years ago. No amount of stuffing, denial or positive thinking will make it go away. Now, I'm not talking about staying in pain and sitting in self loathing. I am talking about the healthy acknowledgement that not everything that happens to us or around us is "happy". Emotions are not something to be afraid of. They are barometers for our soul. They help us to gauge what is going on inside and can lead us to roots of pain and burden that need to be released.<br />
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The other truth to this is that if one disconnects from painful feelings then that person will also be disconnected from joyful feelings. You cannot pick and choose. And being disconnected just takes the color out of life. So the first step is recognizing that focus does not mean denial. Focusing on having better thoughts does not mean minimizing or stuffing. It is a very different process, one that actually takes work and application.<br />
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We were meant to be connected and to feel. I will be blogging more about what I'm learning in applying Philippians 4:8. What do you think of when you hear the words "positive thinking"?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-18275458497830287702014-10-14T15:28:00.001-07:002014-10-14T15:28:54.270-07:00Do you want to get well?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rsb_swOt2eQ/VD2jkAFb66I/AAAAAAAAAbs/5AkHmC2cW1g/s1600/Change.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rsb_swOt2eQ/VD2jkAFb66I/AAAAAAAAAbs/5AkHmC2cW1g/s1600/Change.jpg" height="267" width="320" /></a></div>
<span class="text John-5-3" id="en-NIV-26214" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><sup class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"> </sup>Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"> </span><span class="text John-5-5" id="en-NIV-26216" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><sup class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"> </sup>One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years.</span><span class="text John-5-6" id="en-NIV-26217" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><sup class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"> </sup>When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, <span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">“Do you want to get well?” John 5:3-6</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;">I have found myself in this situation many times. Stuck in a rut, knowing that something is wrong, yet not desiring to do the very thing that will help me. At those times, I will often hear those words... "do you want to get well?" Even though I coach people and teach Grief Recovery for a living, I still have my moments when I want to turn away from the very thing that will help me. I, like so many others that I have coached or facilitated, want it to be a quick fix. I don't want to "keep doing the work" because I want to get on the other side of things once and for all. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;">I have seen this in others also. They have been in pain, frustration, hurt, anger, fear, or bitterness for a long time. Or perhaps they have felt stuck for a long time. Or they are surrounded by life circumstances that are painful. Yet, in all of that, some times when asked that question, the answer through actions is no. They do not want to get well. I find that heart breaking. Though I can relate.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;">There was a time when I did not want to get well. I wanted it to be the fault of everyone else. I wanted to be rescued and I wanted someone or something other than God to do the rescuing because I was unwilling to walk through my own exposure and responsibilities to get there. The truth is, try as I did to find someone or something to rescue me, nothing worked. It was all quite miserable to some degree. The pain was almost unbearable, yet I did not want to take responsibility for what was going on inside of me. I wanted it to be fixed by something on the outside. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;">One of the best ways to tell if you are looking for a rescuer as opposed to healing is to look at what kind of help do you seek? Do you look for someone to tell you what your itching ears long to hear? Or do you look for someone who is willing to be honest with you? I'm not talking about someone who will berate you or try to fix you. I am talking about someone who will come alongside you, love you and help you to see your side of the street. Just getting that kind of help was life changing.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;">It was difficult because some of my initial injury started as a child when I was not at fault at all. It was not my responsibility. Yet, as an adult, the only person who could help what was going on inside of me, was me. Taking responsibility meant getting honest about what was in my heart, what I believed about myself and utilizing tools to get healing. There was a part that was my side of the street and there was a part that only God could do. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;">That kind of approach is what brings true life change. It requires going underneath the behavior and circumstances to the root of the matter. Our lives are a reflection of what is going on inside. If there are unresolved emotional hurts and negative belief systems, they will play out in the present. A wise woman once told me that our past is our present until it is healed. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;">I just had a situation recently where I lost someone that I cared about and it was very painful. I teach Grief Recovery, yet, I found myself in check out mode not wanting to go through the process of grieving her. Yet, I would rather walk through the hurt then carry it around with me for a lifetime. I would rather ask the tough questions and deal with the uncertainty that her loss brings than hide in the shadows afraid to be in my life. I would rather embrace the pain and feel it than work so hard and tirelessly to avoid it. I've done all those things for way too long. I want to get well. </span></span><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-13299088765734123852014-10-06T13:47:00.002-07:002014-10-06T13:47:40.672-07:00Inspiration<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I have started to write this blog numerous times and have erased everything that I have written until now. That's not usually the case with me. I usually write and it all just comes out and I really don't have to think about it much. Today has been different. Until it just hit me that it might be a good time to write some inspiration.<br />
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You see for most of my life I have identified with pain. My childhood was painful, I made a lot of choices that brought me pain, and then I spent a great deal of time working through all of it. In some ways, working through all of it was the hardest for me. I spent so much of my life disconnected that I really didn't even know what was in my heart. Once I started my healing journey, I was face to face with all that I had been running from (and all the avoidant choices I had made, which actually just brought me more pain). This may not sound inspirational thus far, but trust me I'm getting there.<br />
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Today, I get to live on the other side of all that. I'm not perfect, I have not arrived and I certainly have a lot more growing to do, yet I experience joy. So much so that at times it feels uncomfortable and I jump out of it because I'm just not used to it. For the most part, I live life here in the present and when I don't I am very aware that I'm not present. I have purpose, I know why I'm here and I know what it is that I'm supposed to do. I feel connected to God and I trust and believe that He loves me. This is a miracle. And I want this for others because I know that it is possible.<br />
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If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, fear. hopelessness or you just feel stuck, then that is your spirit giving you a warning light that something is not right. Something needs to be dealt with and faced and you can face it. We have learned in this society that we are supposed to avoid anything negative and run to comfort. That is a death sentence. Comfort only leads to numbness. That is not how you were designed to live!<br />
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You power and strength lie in walking through the difficulties because there is another side. There is another way to live. And I fully believe that for you because I know that it is possible. We need to wake up and stop sleeping. We need to live on purpose and by purpose because that is how we were created to live. I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not saying to just "think positive". I'm saying face your pain. It will not go anywhere. No matter how much you try to run, duck and hide you will take you with you. You cannot escape from yourself.<br />
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So let me ask you, what are you running from? Whatever it is, it's not worth stealing your joy. You can this, I'm certain of it.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-80894716004930263962014-09-22T15:51:00.000-07:002014-09-22T15:51:05.364-07:00A Beautiful Girl<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I met Rachel a little over 2 years ago in the park. Our Church was meeting at the park once a week to spend time and I happened to strike up a conversation with a woman who was there. After talking for awhile she shared with me that she had a 16 year old living with her. This teenager (named Rachel) had a problem with drugs (specifically meth) and that she had run away and she was trying to find her. I gave the woman my business card and told her that if she found her that I would love to talk with her. I smoked meth almost every day for 3 1/2 years. I understand how damaging that drug is. I also understand that it's possible to let it go, heal from the pain driving the user to it, and live a life that is vibrant and fulfilling. I really didn't expect to hear from that woman again.<br />
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Yet, nearly 2 weeks later she called and left me a message. She had found Rachel and wanted me to meet her. So I went to the park and spent time with Rachel. She was nervous, yet as we talked she came out of her shell and shared more with me. She was introduced to drugs at the age of 10. She had been in and out of rehabs, yet would run away and return to her old life. We talked for a long time and we bonded that day. Through her insecurity, I saw a beautiful girl with a vibrant spirit.<br />
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Rachel came to Church with us several times. She came to the park and she spent time at our home. She would bring her guitar and sing. Her voice was absolutely incredible. One day she called me very excited. She had written a song about Jesus and she wanted us to hear it. We went to her house and she sang it for us. It brought me to tears. She had notebooks full of songs that she had written.<br />
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Rachel was also on and off drugs during the two years that followed our meeting. I prayed for her so many times. Several times, when she was in juvenile hall, she wrote me letters asking all kinds of questions about God. I knew she was seeking.<br />
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The thing about Rachel was that to meet her was to really love her. She lit up a room and she had no idea how amazing she was. Every time I saw her she would yell my name excitedly, run up to me, and wrap her arms around me. She'd comment on my hair or notice something about me. She really loved to be around people and she loved to connect. There was something about her that seemed hopeful in spite of her sadness and wells of pain. It was that spark that kept bringing her back to Church. Then she lost her boyfriend. He was killed in a car on his way to see her. It seemed that one more brick of pain was too much for her.<br />
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I saw her a few times after that. I could tell that she had lost some of her spark. It was painful. I so wanted to just reach in and connect with her heart to let her know how loved she was. She really had no idea how lovable she was. Then on Thursday, September 18 she overdosed. It was most likely on drugs and prescription drugs. I went to the hospital on Friday. I held her hand and prayed over her. She died on Sunday, September 21. I am heartbroken. She was such a beautiful soul.<br />
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Losing Rachel has sparked something in me where I realize that there is just so much more to life than worrying about what everyone thinks. It also has helped me to realize that half of what I focus on is not even worth the time it takes to focus on it. There is a bigger picture in this life and a larger purpose. We were created for so much more than worrying about schedules and looks and magazines and television. We were created by the Almighty God, who made us in His image. The spirit that each one of us possesses will fill an entire room. I don't want to waste these precious moments on distractions and comforts. I don't want to live to be comfortable I want to live to be purposeful. Rachel was more than worth every moment I spent with her. She inspired me to love deeper. I love you Rachel.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-85284166738902464182014-09-16T15:04:00.000-07:002014-09-16T15:04:11.941-07:00Circus Elephants<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The following is a quote by Tommy Newberry from his book The 4:8 Principle. "When I was a kid one of my coaches told me a story about circus elephants. When these elephants are still little and weak, they are chained to iron stakes in the ground, which prevent them from breaking free and running away. This allows the circus trainers to keep them close, work with them, and prepare them for their routines.<br />
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What's strange is that even after the little elephants grow into huge, powerful animals capable of lifting a ton or more with their trunks, they remain restricted by those same miniature stakes in the ground. Even when they are more than strong enough to yank the stake out of the ground and roam free, they don't do it. They don't even try. They remain limited by the old boundaries."<br />
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Now personally I am an animal lover so I really don't like the idea of little elephants being confined to chains and iron stakes; however, the illustration of the story is powerful. So often, we are like those circus elephants. We have been trained as children to believe we are weak and limited. We have learned to believe that we cannot and therefore we don't. Yet, in many cases it is the limiting belief (I cannot) that is the only thing keeping us from actually living a different or more powerful life.<br />
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There are the events that have happened to us, in sight of us or events that didn't happen yet should have. Then, there is the emotional response that we have that often gets suppressed. And finally, there is the story that we made up about ourselves and/or others that then becomes our belief. Emotional expression and healing helps to resolve the suppressed emotional response; however, many stop there. Not realizing that what you believe is what you will create until you realize that it's not your circumstances that are causing your pain and limitation. It is that which is inside of you that you believe about you that isn't even true. Yes, that self talk about how you are not enough, not worthy, not lovable, not capable (and many more) are lies. And if that describes you then you are operating on a faulty system.<br />
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Much like the circus elephants you have been trained to believe that your life is limited to a little chain and stake in the ground. Yet, deep inside you know that you were created for more. And that's because you were and you are. The first step in not being like a circus elephant is realizing that you are bigger than the stake in the ground. Limiting beliefs only have power when they are believed. If you realize that they are lies built from negative experience you are taking the first step in living a present and future that is different from your past.<br />
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What limiting beliefs are keep you from realizing your potential?<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-71569790857107892352014-09-09T13:30:00.001-07:002014-09-09T13:30:11.425-07:00The Fear of Pain<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"The tendency to avoid problems and the emotional suffering inherent in them is the primary basis of all human mental illness. Since most of us have this tendency to a greater or lesser degree, most of us are mentally ill to a greater or lesser degree, lacking complete mental health." <i>M. Scott Peck - The Road Less Traveled</i><br />
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I just love this quote. It flies in the face of the culture that we live in. We live in a culture of comfort and avoidance. We are surrounded by convenience and quick fixes. The idea of suffering for anything is just not popular. Yet, I believe that as a society we pay a price for living this way. We can lose our very souls and the essence of who we were created to be.<br />
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One of the biggest fears that I often hear when people are considering Grief Recovery or Life Coaching is "will I make it through?" The perception is that if I take this class or begin coaching on emotional, spiritual or mental issues I will fall apart and I will never be able to come back together again. That it will be too overwhelming and I will lose me. And I understand the fear. We've been trained to believe that. Many of us were raised this way, by very well meaning parents/caregivers/societal culture who taught us that negative feelings and perhaps any experience that could lead to them were to be avoided at all costs. Avoidance is what lead me to dangerous behavior and drug addiction. I believed the lie.<br />
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The ironic part about this belief that taking a class (or any transformational workshop), coaching or other methods of facing what is inside will be detrimental is that the opposite is actually true. We suffer to a much greater degree by not dealing with what we are carrying. Yes, it can be painful to look inside or to walk through a process to resolve things we have experienced or lost. Yet, it is damaging to keep going and not. Things do not get better with time and they do not just go away. Avoidance will only lead to greater neurosis and a heightened problem.<br />
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You can see this happen in relationships. People may get in a romantic relationship (or even a friendship though it seems to play out at a deeper level in a romantic relationship) and feel that the other person is the one. That person is making them happy. Then time goes on and things start to get hard and the person decides this is not the one I need to go out and find someone else. Then the cycle continues. No matter how many people this person finds to get in relationship with the same result continues. Why? Because it's not the other person. The relationship is only bringing out what is inside and what needs to be dealt with. Until the person makes the decision to look inside and go through the process of resolving it, it won't matter who the relationship is with.<br />
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So to the fear that so many have of walking through a process to get healing or healthy, the truth is that yes, it will be challenging. You will most likely feel things that you may not want to feel. You may even face things that were not your fault but deeply affect you. Yet, on the other side there is a freedom that you have never experienced. Your life goes from the inside out. Your outer world reflects your inner world. If you choose to run you will only go in circles because you take you with you. You cannot run from yourself as much as you may try. So I pray that you will decide to stop running, stop avoiding and do the things that will bring you back to the person you were created to be.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-63379570965568300882014-08-26T14:18:00.002-07:002014-08-26T14:18:15.193-07:00Out of Darkness<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Just recently I wrote about the loss of Robin Williams. It was the first time that I had blogged in over 6 months. I felt excited to blog again, yet I feel hesitant to continue. It's not because I don't have a lot to say, anyone who knows me probably knows that I have a lot to say about many things, it's because I have felt blocked when it comes to writing. So much of what I write is about my childhood experiences and what I have learned on this journey of healing and growth. That means that I include inferences to my past. Yet, lately, I haven't wanted to talk about it. In large part because I feel like I am dishonoring my family even though I know that's not true. It's amazing how big a hold those old beliefs can have on me. Today I'm doing something different.<br />
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At the end of last year I reconnected with my mom. I love many things about my mom. She is funny and cares deeply for people. I had missed her and our relationship coming back together in the incredible way that it did felt good. Not long after our reconciliation I started writing less and less. Then it dropped off all together. Somewhere buried deep inside was this old voice saying that if I were to continue writing on the Internet and putting myself out there than I would lose the relationship with my mom once again. It wasn't something that I thought about all the time, yet when I would think about writing that old twinge would hit me and I would divert my attention to something else. It was this childlike part of me that was afraid that just like my upbringing, if I were truthful about the things that happened that were not good, then there would go that relationship and I would be abandoned once again.<br />
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I have met so many people who experienced this kind of family dynamic in one way or another. The beliefs (though perhaps not verbalized, just known) are formed that looking good and protecting family image are more important than truth. To those of us that grew up in an abusive environment this is a devastating dynamic because it keeps everything in the dark. When things are kept in the dark then mental and emotional illness prevail. Oftentimes the adult child of that environment will continue the beliefs and live out the protection of the family even though they themselves suffer for it daily. You can not heal from what you do not admit to be true.<br />
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I realized that in spite of all the work and forgiveness and healing, I went back to trying not to say anything so that my mom wouldn't leave me again. Yet, that is in direct conflict with the pull of my heart to speak to large groups, write a book and just plain be me. As much as I love my family I cannot go back to darkness just to try and hold things together. It puts me in a place of suppression and since I have so much to say that isn't a helpful place to be.<br />
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I would like to add also that no one in my family has said that to me recently. No one has called me to say that if I continue writing or go on to write a book or speak to large groups that they will never talk to me. The truth is I really don't know how they will respond and I hope that they respond well. However, either way, I am going to continue on the path that my heart feels drawn to because that is just who I am. The identity of silence that I've taken of recent (well silent for me anyway) isn't really me at all. It's what I learned to do a long time ago in order to gain some piece of the love that I was so desperately seeking.<br />
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What have you learned about love? What have you learned that you must do in order to be seen, heard, accepted or loved? Oftentimes, the answers to those questions will lead us right to the identity or identities that we have taken on in order to get a dire need that we had as a child. Yet, as an adult these identities are merely coping skills and are really no identity at all. They are false selves that we must shed in order to be who we were truly created to be.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-45596712381826382342014-08-12T14:25:00.001-07:002014-08-12T14:25:08.933-07:00On the tremendous loss of Robin Williams<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The death of Robin Williams is a tragedy. A loss the entire country is mourning. I have seen so many beautiful posts on Facebook. He was both a remarkable talent and he possessed an endearing personality. I have also seen people responding in anger. They feel that he took his life out of being a coward. I don't agree with the latter, though I do understand that when people respond in anger they are grieving a loss too.<br />
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Robin William's death reminds me that you never know someones story. You don't know where they come from and what experiences they have until you get to know them. Talent and wealth do not equal happiness. Neither does growing up in a wealthy home. Oftentimes, depression (which Robin Williams suffered from) is a sign of unresolved grief. He also had a serious cocaine addiction for many years (though he did stop after John Belushi passed away and he never returned to it), along with an alcohol addiction. He stopped drinking, yet was treated years later when he started again. When I hear that someone has an addiction, I don't think weakness, I think that person is in pain. I think, that person is medicating.<br />
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Stopping any addiction is a great thing and an enormous accomplishment. However, oftentimes, we stop what we are doing to distract from the pain, yet never fully understand how to process what is on the inside. We have to remember that anytime we experience a loss of any kind we have an emotional response. If we don't process what we feel, that response will stay with us for a life time until we deal with it. Emotions have energy, they were never meant to stay in our bodies, they were meant to be released. As a result, grief gets worse with time unless it's fully dealt with. The longer we wait, the more pain we stuff, the worse it gets and the worse we get. It can become hard to function.<br />
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In our society, we are taught not to feel bad. We learn to avoid rather than to face and process and that is a societal issue. It does damage, yet it is what we are taught, usually from the time we are young. I don't know exactly what happened in Robin William's case; however, I do know what I see in my line of work. To hear that someone was depressed and couldn't take it anymore is devastatingly heart breaking. That process cannot happen alone, it has to happen in the context of community. Sometimes the more wealthy and famous the person, the less healthy community they have around them. It reminds me of this quote: "I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone." -<i>Robin Williams as Lance Clayton in World's Greatest Dad (2009)</i><br />
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My heart also breaks for all of us. The community of people that witnessed Robin William's work as we grew up. We became attached and now that attachment has been broken. It's shocking and it's grief. It's important that all of us take the time to remember and to grieve. It's important to share how we feel with others that will hear us.<br />
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Thank you Robin Williams for all of the beautiful moments you gave us in television, movies and stand up. You truly are unforgettable. I pray that your work will be remembered for the greatness that it was. I pray that your death will be a wake up call to us all.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-67768445612590580272014-02-24T16:30:00.001-08:002014-02-24T16:30:55.519-08:00Doubt<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The other day I was praying and I asked God to search my heart and share with me what was getting in the way of me living out my purpose. I don't always like praying that "search my heart" prayer because you never know what you are going to get. Yet, as soon as I asked I heard one audible word whispered repeatedly in my ear. The word was .... doubt. It was not a surprise. I doubt so much that it just feels normal. Yet, as the days passed that same word came up over and over again... doubt.<br />
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So, I started to explore. I prayed to release the evil spirit of doubt and I even went back to some childhood memories, invited Jesus in and received some amazing healing from my Lord. Yet, once again this morning while praying that word entered my mind again... doubt. As I continued to pray, things surfaced that help me to understand just how deep this doubt goes with me.<br />
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Many of you know that when I was young I grew up in an abusive environment. It was the kind of abuse that could erupt at any time. I just never knew whether it was going to be calm or stormy. And just because it was calm didn't mean it would stay that way. It was downright scary. Yet, there was another kind of abuse that happened in my home. The person that wasn't scary or abusive turned the other way. They pretended as if nothing was happening. It was complete denial of the bad things that were going on.<br />
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The abuse was very damaging and the denial to me was equally as damaging. It taught me not to trust myself. It taught me to doubt the very circumstances that were hurting me and to move on as though nothing were happening. And that's when doubt became more than just something to teach me not to trust me or others. It became the way that I coped.<br />
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By doubting that anything was happening, I didn't have to feel the emotional pain that I was really feeling. I understand why it was so helpful back then, it was really all I had. Yet, as an adult this doubt doesn't serve me anymore and honestly, it comes up all the time. I tend to doubt myself in almost everything. I doubt that I deserve to earn money, I doubt that my voice matters, I doubt decisions that I make, I doubt that people are interested in me, I doubt that I will make any impact, I doubt that my needs matter, I doubt that I have what it takes and I doubt that God is working in my life. Even though I know the truth in every single statement above, I still feel doubtful almost every day. To the degree that it stops me from moving forward the way that I know I am supposed to.<br />
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It's almost hard to explain. It's not just that I have doubts. It's that doubt has become a part of my personality. It's really integrated. Like the companion to fear. With the number of miracles that I've experienced in my life I am the last person that should struggle with doubt. Yet, hearing in prayer this morning helped me to realize that I have another part of myself to die to. And I am so grateful to know that because I think I would have just kept struggling with myself and pushed through. That's really tiring.<br />
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Knowing this means I can now engage with the Holy Spirit to actually die (well this part anyway). And that's really good news. Seeing this has helped me to see that many of us struggle with doubt. That's normal. Yet, to have doubt be a part of who I am, well that's just crippling. I am excited to move forward without it. Even though I won't quite know who I am anymore.<br />
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What is God showing you that you need to die to?<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-43492047868343263702014-02-18T16:45:00.001-08:002014-02-18T16:49:26.856-08:00Those Trials!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: white;"><em style="color: #444444; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; line-height: 16px;">Consider it pure joy</em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds... (James 1:2). I used to read that Scripture and think it sounds good, yet, I don't consider it joyful when I face trials. For me, I wanted to do everything possible to avoid trials. I would get angry, fearful and sad... none of those come close to joy. Now, perhaps when I got through the trial, I would look back and see that there was benefit; however, if I could have taken an easier route and learned the same thing, I'd go for easy. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">Recently, I have started to have a different relationship with my trials. I like how the Scripture says "consider it pure joy". It doesn't say "you have to feel pure joy" when you go through a trial. It helps me to realize that I may feel many different emotions while experiencing a trial, yet, because of what that trial produces, I consider it pure joy. I started applying this in my self talk. I started saying thank you when things got hard. I started saying things like, "after my greatest challenges come my greatest victories!". It helped me to focus on the reason for the trial and not the trial itself.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">A few weeks ago, I made the decision to take some time off from weight training at the gym. I am still hiking, I just haven't been adding the extra trip to go lift weights. To substitute, I added wrist and ankle weights to my hike. I use 2.5 pounds on each wrist and 5 pounds on each ankle, so I'm hiking with an additional 15 pounds of weight. Let me tell you, the first day was hard! I was so out of breath and when I got to my turn around point I collapsed on the ground for 5 minutes before starting back down. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">When I got back home I took off the weights and when I started walking again I felt like I was floating. It was effortless and it even felt odd. Not that walking is that difficult in the first place (unless I'm really tired); however, after taking off those weights it was more like gliding for awhile. It occurred to me that trails are like those weights. We go through them and they feel really hard, yet, when we get to the other side, we have been trained and that aspect of life becomes better.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">I'm on week two of my wrist and ankle weights. This week I am going a little further each day. I must look funny with those weights on my ankles because I walk a little funny, yet, I feel that sense of accomplishment when I am able to go further than the day before with the added weight. And yes, it's still hard, just not as hard as it was the first day. I would bet that after I do this for a couple of months it won't be this hard. It won't feel like I have those weights on. Just like our trials, I am being conditioned for a higher level of physical exertion. It isn't easy, yet it produces elevated health and confidence. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">I feel like lately I've been going through multiple trials at the same time. The one that sticks out the most is facing my unwillingness to move in to the place that God is calling me. I was so excited last month and then I started living my calling and I got scared. I mean really scared. I froze. You would think that success would inspire me to go deeper, yet, I didn't. I backed away and stopped for awhile. I felt like I wanted to escape. I started doubting that I was even on the right track. The vision that seemed so readily at hand disappeared in to a sea of fear, doubt and exhaustion. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">Understanding that struggle has been incredible! God has shown me the areas of my life where I try to step out in front and play... yes, God. Or perhaps rescuer. How I tire myself out and then get afraid because I become so self-reliant. How when I people please I am stepping in to disobedience. It's been good. Why? Because I need this training. I need to face this stuff right here right now. It is what gets in the way of me stepping in to the purpose that God placed in my heart. And though I don't always enjoy the feelings, I consider it pure joy. I am being strengthened. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">What is a trail that you are facing right now? </span></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-37918216927465162672014-02-03T17:09:00.000-08:002014-02-03T17:10:09.981-08:00Fear or Faith<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ILnpukYhrMM/UvA9uw8LLzI/AAAAAAAAAWs/9je-2eFoFis/s1600/fear4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ILnpukYhrMM/UvA9uw8LLzI/AAAAAAAAAWs/9je-2eFoFis/s1600/fear4.jpg" /></a>It has been a great cleanse so far as I continue on the Daniel Cleanse. I haven't had trouble sticking to eating foods that are plant based and cutting out all sugar, dairy, meat and caffeine. I have done many cleanses over the past years. However, this time around I really wanted to do it for spiritual reasons and not to lose weight or trim up a little bit.<br />
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Prior to starting this cleanse I had been working on my thoughts. I had been visualizing and taking thoughts captive. And it was working. My energy had increased, I was excited throughout the day and I made some big decisions about my time and energy. I was starting to step in to the next level that I felt God was taking me. My business increased and I started 2014 in a great place.<br />
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Then I started the cleanse. The thing about cleansing is that it takes all the coping mechanisms out of the way. At least the food ones. I'm not a big sweet eater and I hardly ever drink coffee, yet there is something about eating ultra clean that just brings things to the surface that other times don't seem noticeable. And for me it has been fear. <br />
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I am so grateful to be doing this cleanse at this time because fear is exactly what gets in the way of me living the purpose that I was meant to live. And stripped of anything to mute it, fear has been everywhere. I am afraid of what others think, I am afraid to charge a reasonable rate, I am afraid to disappoint someone, I am afraid to lead, I am afraid to succeed, I am afraid of who knows what. The list goes on and on.<br />
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It's amazing to me how God leads us to just what we need at just the right time. . I love to walk alongside people and see them heal, I love to help people in a layered capacity, meaning emotional, mental and spiritual. Yet, that means taking risks, seeing others greater, and putting myself out there boldly. Boldly and afraid don't go together. I feel God walking me right through this fear. It's been necessary. Not to stay there, yet to bring it up and expose it for what it really is.<br />
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Instead of running from it or pretending that it doesn't exist or even trying to talk my way out of it, I have been lead to look at the root of where these fears come from. To work together with the Holy Spirit and pull out the beliefs that fuel this fear and then allow God to rebuild those areas of my heart. It's a training ground and as uncomfortable as it is I appreciate what the outcome will be.<br />
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The truth is that fear has been a big part of my life for a long time. As a child I used fear to keep me from being surprised when someone else hurt me. I learned that fear was my friend. It helped me to have some resemblance of control at a time when I felt so out of control. I never knew when chaos would erupt so fearing the worst felt safer than living in the moment. If I could only just fixate on what could possibly go wrong then I wouldn't have to be taken by surprise when it did. It was more than just a way to cope, it became a part of my integrated personality.<br />
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As there is a time for everything it has become the time to let it go all the way at the root. I certainly don't appreciate the digging up process because it doesn't feel good, yet, I rejoice in it because this is a part of me that I am ready to say goodbye to. I am dying and becoming more alive at the same time. What an incredible place to be in.<br />
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I urge anyone, don't let fear stop you. The world needs you to step out on faith. Take the journey, do the work, do whatever it takes. Living in fear isn't really living. It's decay. I'm ready to say goodbye.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-4623607895534116682014-01-23T15:47:00.002-08:002014-01-23T15:49:40.333-08:00Codependency<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This year one of my themes has been letting go. Letting go of the things that create busyness or that were born out of my desire to please people rather than please God. It's interesting to me that when I make commitments that are to "look good" in front of others that those commitments end up getting in the way of what I am truly supposed to be doing.<br />
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I took a hard look at my life this year and realized that probably 50% of what I was putting my energy in to were things that I shouldn't be doing. I started doing the Daniel Cleanse 4 days ago (for spiritual reason this time) and already I am gaining more clarity and focus. I am amazed at how much better life is when I'm not living it for anyone other than God. It's only in this place that I am able to truly love other people.<br />
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I've been really delving in to codependency. I Life Coach and this often comes up with clients. I'm so grateful for Life Coaching because it helps me to grow too. Codependency means making the relationship more important to you then you are to yourself. It is a blurring of the lines of individual definition. It is when things get unhealthy. It is not uncommon for a parent to develop this type of dynamic with their child. The child is made responsible for the parents emotional needs instead of the parent providing emotional needs and stability for the child. This is backwards and often it is this dynamic that is then brought in to adulthood.<br />
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The child has learned developmentally that love means being responsible for someone else. You see this in spouses or partners of alcoholics. Where the person who is the alcoholic is enabled by the person who is codependent. The codependent takes responsibility by perhaps bailing the alcoholic out or being there to catch them so that they never deal with the consequences of their actions. It becomes damaging to both people.<br />
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However, this dynamic isn't relegated to just partners of people who have substance or alcohol abuse problems. It can be the case in friendships, marriage relationships, business relationships, children and their parents (even after the children are grown) and others.<br />
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Breaking this dynamic is very important because when we are in this type of relationship we are lost. We don't know who we are or what we stand for. We don't know what we really feel or think. We chase things that aren't there. And, we are not able to hear the voice of God because we are too entangled in the voice of man. This is idolatry. It is getting our worth from something other than God. Putting a relationship as more important then the One who enabled it to become something in the first place.<br />
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What I have learned is that codependency is often bred in the fear of abandonment. It is a form of control. If I take responsibility for this relationship and this person then I can be assured that I will not be left. Anytime we are run by fear we are run by Satan. And codependent relationships are not ones that honor God. I have also learned that it takes healing of both emotion and beliefs to step out of this. I am grateful to see the examples of my clients who are choosing to be true to themselves and to God.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-3836937025406264012014-01-09T15:23:00.000-08:002014-01-09T15:23:05.918-08:00Forgiveness and God<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I realize that even as I start to write about this it can be a challenging subject for many of us. The subject of forgiveness and letting go are difficult enough; however, adding God in to the equation causes many of to simply shut down. I was one of those that could not even fathom the idea that I (little tiny me) had any right to work out forgiveness with God. I mean we aren't even supposed to question God, let alone forgive Him. How could a person possibly forgive the magnificent Creator who is actually perfect? Perfectly holy, perfectly righteous.<br />
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What I have learned in this journey with God is so the opposite of my preconceived notions about what it means to be in relationship with my adoring Father. What it means to have a true relationship, one that struggles to understand and fights for intimacy. It has not been a perfect rosy road paved with blessed understanding and contrived pleasantries. It has been a journey (and is still going) of coming to relationship with the One who is all knowing, all seeing, much higher and mysterious. And it is sitting in the mystery of God that I believe makes it uncomfortable for many of us.<br />
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When I first came in to relationship with God I had all the answers. Truly I did. We live in a fallen world and we have free will. The people that hurt me when I was a child chose evil. It was as simple as that. Until I started to get closer and realize how powerful God really is. The more I was exposed to His power, His mercy, His grace the more I began to wonder, "how could this God let those things happen to me as a child?" And that question began to burn brighter and brighter. I went to a class on intimacy with God, took a deep look at the Psalms and began to question Him. Not in the theological sense, more from the deep heart sense. I poured out my heart in anguish asking Him how He could have let those things happen to me. I shook my fist at Him in anger and I cried my heart out to Him in pain. And yes, I questioned... Him. Many, many times.<br />
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As I moved through life there were challenges. As astonished as I was to realize just how difficult this walk as a disciple could be, I took those feelings to God. And that was good. Yet, quite honestly, much of my anger and pain in the present was fueled by so many unanswered questions from the past. I had many people try and help me, they showed me Scriptures, they told me I shouldn't question God and they told me to have faith. I believe these were some of the best intentioned people I have ever known, yet, it did not help my pain to subside.<br />
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And then, I got certified to teach Grief Recovery. And I worked on my relationship with God. I worked on it as a relationship. It taught me something that changed my entire walk as a disciple. I forgave God. Not in the sense of "Hey you did something wrong so I need to let you off the hook". Quite honestly, I don't have the power to let anyone off the hook, not my husband, not my brother or sister, not my parents, not anyone. I realize that only God can forgive sin (and oh how I have needed His forgiveness of my sin). However, there is forgiveness in the sense of "I am not going to hold this bitterness anymore" I choose to let this go so I can be free. It is the letting go of resentment. It is the word that brings us back in to relationship.<br />
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In working through this I realized that by holding on to my anger I was refusing to step deeper in to relationship with God. So I looked at all the things that I was angry about and I spoke life by saying God, I forgive you for these things. One by one. I knew exactly what I was expressing. I was saying I forgive (let go) of the hurt, anger, bitterness and resentment. The Bible says that Gods thoughts and ways are much higher than ours. And that is so true. I am very grateful for the Scripture because it gave me the freedom to forgive that which I could not understand. I will never fully understand it all on this side of heaven.<br />
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And what happened from that (along with working through my belief systems about God), was that I moved closer to Him. I was able to see just how protected I really was. It was amazing how much more deeply in love I was able to fall with God by having the courage to forgive those things. It meant they weren't in my heart any more. There have been times since when I have gone through struggles, and I'm walking on my mountain top praying and working through forgiveness, and I will hear God say "you haven't forgiven me yet". So I do. I say the words and release the division between us so that I can be closer to the One I adore.<br />
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One day I will understand more than I do now. Yet, the understanding and peace that forgiveness in this way, with this definition and with this intention has brought me is nothing short of a miracle. I am grateful that God has lead me here. To be with Him. And allowed me to work things out so that my trust in Him is honest and truthful. I praise Him and give Him all the glory!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-42785740923115524742013-12-11T16:17:00.000-08:002013-12-11T16:17:01.235-08:00The Stress of the Holidays<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The holidays are certainly a time of year that can bring up a lot of significant emotion. Considering that grief is a big part of my vocation, I really see the effects of the holiday season and it isn't always positive. So much so, that I do free workshops this time of year just to try and help people make sense of what is happening to them.<br />
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Did you know that there is a 15% increase in people seeking treatment for emotional disorders in the month of December? That's a significant increase. And that number only accounts for the number of people that seek treatment. My guess would be that there are several others who feel the effects, yet don't actually seek treatment for it. So why is that? What is it about the holidays that can really hit us hard?<br />
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In Grief Recovery, we teach that there is a big myth out there called "time heals all wounds." So often, when we go through emotional pain, we are told to just give it time and we'll feel all better. Unfortunately, just waiting and giving something time is about as effective as pulling up a chair on the side of the road after your car has a flat tire and "waiting" for air to get back in the tire. No matter how long you sit there it just won't happen. You have to take action in order to fix the tire and be on your way. Emotional loss is the same way. When you go through a painful experience the emotional response will stay in your body until you process it. Given that most of us don't learn the tools to process our pain, we end up carrying this unresolved grief around with us. If we don't take action it will stay for a lifetime.<br />
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Given this information, it stands to reason that many of us are carrying unresolved grief. There are so many different types of losses that will cause this. Childhood losses such as abuse or neglect, divorce, loss of a loved one, break up of a romantic relationship, changes in health, changes in career, loss of a pet, and the list goes on. We are usually carrying pain from several events, not just one.<br />
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Now, let's bring on the holiday season and add that to the mix. During the holidays we are usually around family members that we aren't interacting with during the year. This can be a major trigger for many people. We see commercials that tell us how "joyful" we should be with pictures of expensive gifts and loving families all together. For many, this can be a painful reminder of a lost loved one. Or perhaps, the reminder of a lost job, finances in crisis or just not where they should be and we've added more triggers. In addition, we are headed to the end of the year and for so many it is a reminder that they are not where they want to be or thought they would be by now. So remember all of that unresolved grief? It's been brought to the surface by all the triggers that the holidays can bring.<br />
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The last part of the mix is that there is a pressure to be happy this time of year. To buy gifts to be in the holiday spirit. For so many, that means that they either have to pretend that they are okay or hide out so that they won't be judged. It causes more stuffing of feelings and isolation. It is this mixture that creates the increase in stress, pain and people seeking treatment for emotional disorders.<br />
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I believe this is why so many people over indulge during this time of year. It's not just to be festive. All of the over eating, drinking and over sleeping are means of escape and they tend to increase when there are so many triggers present.<br />
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So what is the solution? The first one is to be aware. Realize that you are being triggered and then accept that it hurts or that something bothers you. Don't just stuff it away and pretend that you are okay if you're not. The next thing is to notice your behaviors. Are you eating more, drinking more or sleeping more? Are you checked out? Ask yourself why? Why am I avoiding my feelings and what is it that I'm avoiding? Then write it down. Journaling can save your soul when you are feeling a lot. It opens up the subconscious part of the brain and allows your heart to speak, Lastly, if you are surrounded by people that trigger you, it's important to make time to spend with people who are safe. Whether it's a phone call, a coffee time, or a walk in the park with someone who will listen, it's important to care for yourself that way. If you are on the other end of a friend who is triggered, then simply ask them how they're doing, let them know that you care and then listen. Please don't try and fix them, it will only shut them down. They need to be heard much more then they need any fixing. It will soothe their heart.<br />
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Just taking these steps will give many you a much better holiday experience.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-89546991463431878982013-11-26T12:20:00.001-08:002013-11-26T12:20:28.582-08:00The Next Level Part II<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This past week I've been working on my thought patterns. What is it that I think about during the day and how does that affect me? I will say that when we are told to just "think positive" it can be discouraging. Often, if we are unresolved with pain/grief in our heart just "thinking positive" won't really work. However, once we go through a process of healing we can then move to the next level of working on our thought life. That's not to say that the two have to be mutually exclusive. It has just been my experience that success in positive thinking is more readily obtained by clearing the heart first.<br />
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There is scientific data that backs up how intensely we are affected by what we think. The "story" that we tell ourselves in any given situation has a great impact on our health and stress levels. Interestingly, just because we work to heal our hearts does not mean our thinking will automatically change. Our brains have built pathways that become habitual. If thinking in the negative is something we've done for a long time, we will continue to do so until we break the habit. And that takes work.<br />
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In this past week, just by striving to work on my thoughts I have noticed that I sleep better and have a better sense of well being. Here's what I've learned so far.<br />
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1. Just because I want to change this area does not mean perfection. Even a slight increase in positive thinking makes a difference.<br />
2. It is work. The tools to do this are not saying "I will not think negative thoughts." That will actually set you up for failure. If you focus on "NOT" thinking negative thoughts, you will end up thinking more negative thoughts. You have to say "my goal is to think positively".<br />
3. Negative thoughts are often automatic. So, stopping them can be futile. However, just because you have a negative thought, you don't have to accept it as truth. This is where the tools come in. It is healthy and good to actually argue and disprove that thought. Or counter it with a thought of gratitude.<br />
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For example, just recently, I worked on a project and due to a timeline the original project that I started had to morph in to something different. My negative thought was "I failed and it's my fault that this project didn't go off as planned." Instead of accepting that I argued with it. I weighed things out and said "here is an area I could of done better in and here are things that were out of my control". "I have the skill set to do the project differently and still meet a timeline, this is a great learning experience."<br />
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Another example is that this week we had plumbing issues at our home. It initially looked like it was a major problem that needed a plumber. That meant a big expense and we hadn't renewed our home warranty. My negative thoughts were, "every time we get ahead financially something happens and I'm worried about how this will affect the future." I countered that. I thought "I'm so grateful that we are able to afford a home and afford a plumber. I'm grateful that my husband is able to try other methods to fix the problem. I'm grateful that we have running water. I'm grateful to have rich people problems."<br />
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In both of these examples, just by taking that extra step to counter the thought, my mood and perspective changed. Yes, those negative thoughts seem true, yet most times they are not. Even if arguing a different perspective seems fake, it's really not. It's just a change that your brain isn't used to.<br />
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4. And finally, the biggie that I've learned so far is to celebrate the victories! This is not an overnight change. It takes work because you are literally reprogramming your brain. Celebrating the victories feeds our "reward center" and helps us to feel excited and hopeful. So what if we miss it 10 times, we still did it the 1 time. And THAT makes for a huge change. When I look back and see how far I've come, I'm astounded.<br />
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So, remember, if you're grieving, please honor your heart and process your pain. Don't circumvent the process by trying to force yourself to be happy. It will shut you down. And if you are in a place of working on your thoughts, celebrate every time you see a change. It will create an environment where you will want more of that!<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-43739634392234633562013-11-18T16:48:00.001-08:002013-11-18T16:48:04.976-08:00The Next Level<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Have you ever heard the saying, be careful what you pray for? It is a great saying indeed! Recently, I've been praying to be free from sinful anger and negative thinking patterns. You'd think that if you pray a prayer like that those things would start to lift and life would get a little better. That hasn't exactly been the way it's been going.<br />
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I was encouraged because my Church just offered a 5 week brain class on the very thing I've wanted to improve. I couldn't attend the class; however, I listened to all the audios and am going back over them. So you'd think I'd be really on my way by now. Nope, not quite. If anything, I've been angrier and struggled with feelings of anxiety in the morning. Something I had gotten away from until recently. And my thoughts? They are seriously like a runaway freight train. Even though I teach classes, I do spend a good part of my working day alone. Being alone allows me to be very clued in to the way I'm thinking. I am amazed at how quickly my thoughts can go negative. I can be focused on something good and then, before I know it, I'm ruminating on something from the past that wasn't such a good experience.<br />
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Now, I do teach Grief Recovery and I know that often those conversations in our head point to undelivered communication of an emotional nature. However, these are past events that I've already done the emotional work on. Which tells me that what I'm dealing with is habits and learned ways of thinking and coping.<br />
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The truth is that if there are unresolved memories and events in our hearts then getting to a good place in our thinking is much harder if not nearly impossible. Those unresolved events will pop up anytime something in the present is a reminder. Even if we are unaware. Then we overreact and are left wondering what happened. Yet, what do we do if we've worked at resolving those events and are still not experiencing life the way we know we should?<br />
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That is where I am. I am realizing that my brain has been so trained to respond and think a certain way that I've really got to focus on correcting the habit. And you know what else? I'm really excited. Yes, it seems that my prayer has lead to the surfacing of the problem in a way that is hard to avoid, but isn't that truly what I wanted anyway? So over the next several weeks I am going to blog about my journey. It's a new level of growth and one I'm looking forward to.<br />
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And how could I not be grateful to God who loves me so much that He won't let me get away with good enough?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-51933926274875872952013-11-15T15:48:00.001-08:002013-11-15T15:48:35.945-08:00My Visit<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Wow, it's been awhile since I've blogged. So much has transpired that it's been difficult to figure out where I sit with it all. I've been in awe of God and how He works. How much His timing is not my timing. The Bible says My thoughts are not your thoughts. My ways are not your ways. My thoughts and ways are higher than yours. How true this is and how often I forget.<br />
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At the end of September I took a trip to where my family lives. My sister got married. To be honest, I had a lot of mixed emotions about going. I have been estranged from my mom for several years. It's not that we never talk; however, it's been a rare occasion. I've definitely missed her.<br />
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A couple of days after arriving, I went over to my mom's house to take my sister shopping for some last minute wedding items. When I arrived my mom showed me all the improvements that she'd made to her home. I noticed that she was having difficulty breathing and asked if she was okay. She said she was and that she was just having a hard day from her asthma. We left and went shopping.<br />
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When we returned my mom wasn't there. Shortly after she called my sister to let her know that she'd driven herself to Urgent Care because she was really having a hard time breathing. They told her that she had pneumonia in both lungs and wanted to admit her to the hospital; however, she refused because she didn't want to miss the wedding. They gave her a breathing treatment (which is medicine that you inhale), gave her prescriptions, and sent her home. She arrived with her medicines in hand, took the medication she was supposed to and went in to the other room to relax (after we gave her a hard time about driving herself to Urgent Care).<br />
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I went to the other side of the house (it's an attached apartment) to say goodbye to my niece. I spent longer than I had planned with her and then walked out to leave. My sister's fiancé grabbed my arm to tell me that they had just called 911 because my mom couldn't breathe. I rushed outside and she was sitting hunched over in a chair. She couldn't get air. She felt like she was drowning and nothing was working. Not any of the medication nor the prescription inhaler was doing anything to open her airways. She thought she was going to die. At that moment, I placed my hand in the middle of her upper back and began to pray (in my head) in the Spirit. I prayed for healing. I rebuked illness. Immediately my mom stated that she was starting to get air. I kept my hand on her back and continued to pray until the ambulance arrived.<br />
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I rode to the hospital in the ambulance with her. They gave her 3 breathing treatments on the way there. By the time she arrived to the ER she was breathing, very shaken, yet breathing. I went between her room and the waiting room several times as they only allowed 2 people in at a time (her boyfriend, my sister, nieces, etc were all there). After she was settled in, I went in to say good-bye to her. Something about seeing her in the hospital so scared really hit me and I started to cry. So did she. She grabbed me, hugged me and told me that she didn't want to be estranged anymore. That she wanted us to be close again. It was a priceless moment.<br />
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She did make it to the wedding (oxygen tank and all). She is doing much better now. She's home and able to work. She just has to be careful. I am so grateful to God for the second chance he's given me with her. I know it was His hand that helped to breathe and kept her living. We've been talking weekly since I've been back home. It's amazing how a moment like that changes things. How resentment slid away and compassion has taken it's place. It was a moment that only God could orchestrate and only in His precious time.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-38583949364741595112013-10-17T12:26:00.001-07:002013-10-17T12:26:52.651-07:00The Two Sides of Overcoming Perfectionism<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As a recovering perfectionist, I fully understand the nature of perfectionism. It is an exhausting place to be. Perfectionism can morph in to nearly every area of life. From work to parenting to relationships to hobbies, to possessions to appearance, perfectionism creates an exhaustive cycle of never being enough, never doing enough and never looking good enough. On the outside, the perfectionist can look driven, with an eye for detail and an almost incomprehensible list of daily activities all done with an appearance of beauty and grace. Or a burnt out perfectionist can sit in procrastination and depression. I've been on both sides.<br />
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There are two sides to overcoming perfectionism. The first one starts with the grace of God. Underneath the perfectionistic behavior is almost always deep wounds typically inflicted in the early years of life. Perfectionism is usually driven by a deep sense that "something is wrong with me". The desire to be perfect and be perceived as perfect masks what lies beneath. There are different types of wounding that can create perfectionism. Abuse is one of them. I was the recipient of sexual, verbal and physical abuse. As a child, unless someone sits the child down and says "this is not your fault" children will internalize the abuse as being their fault because in a sense the abuse is normalized. As adults those same children may look back and realize that they were not at fault, yet the internalized wounding and beliefs will still drive perfectionism. I did that. I was driven to be perfect in every way. That was because deep down I believed something was horribly wrong with me and the only way to make up for it was to act perfect, look perfect and do everything really well. I was trying to make up for the pain inside.<br />
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Another wounding that can create perfectionism is neglect or a parent that was emotionally absent or retreated as a way of punishment. As children we need love and emotional connection like we need food. If love and connection are not readily available due to neglect or a parent retreats when they are angry a child will look for ways to get love. Sometimes they will act out. Other times they will become little adults trying every way that they can to appease their caregivers so that they can be loved. This creates the internal belief that if they could just try a little harder, be a little better then perhaps they will be worthy of love. These children often become perfectionistic adults.<br />
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The first step in overcoming perfectionism is healing (this is grace). And that comes by being met with the grace of God. Perfectionists have a very hard time comprehending grace. It is very foreign. Yet, it is important to understand the deep wounds that underly the behavior. Matthew 12:20 (NIV) says "A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out". The NLT version says "He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle." It is first important to understand that Jesus came to meet us in our pain. He sees underneath the behavior to the wound. Perfectionists are most often bruised reeds in need of love. Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, to those who are crushed in spirit." Perfectionism often overlays a crushed spirit. Hebrews 4:16 says "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."<br />
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The other side of perfectionism is understanding that the behavior is defiant toward God (this is truth). Hebrews 12:15 says "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that <i>no bitter root</i> grows up to cause trouble and defile many." Those underlying wounds create bitter roots which grow in to the behavior of perfectionism. In it's character, perfectionism says I don't need God because I can be perfect on my own. It also says that the perfection in job, looking good, relationship, etc carries worth and that is idolatry. It is putting something before God. It is a form of worship. Jonah 2:8 says "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs." When we live in perfectionism, we idolize ourselves and miss out on the grace and love of God.<br />
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And finally, I mentioned that perfectionism is exhausting. There is always something to fix, something to make better and someone to please more. Another word for this is bondage. Perfectionism is bondage. Romans 8:19 says "For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." God does not want us to live in a perfectionistic cycle, He desires for us to experience freedom. This can only happen when we walk through the grace of healing and the truth of character. We need both in order to overcome. And these come from God, yet require us to do our part. We must prepare for freedom by engaging in healing and being willing to look at our character and realize that we are far from perfect... and that is okay. That is why we need God.<br />
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Wishing you a beautiful and blessed day!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-427262209070314727.post-29665711863303229182013-09-12T10:17:00.001-07:002013-09-12T10:17:11.676-07:00The Most Powerful Word in the English Language - Part II<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Yesterday I wrote about the word forgive as the most powerful word in the english language. Yet, I believe it is also the most misaligned, misused and misunderstood word. It is an action, not a feeling. We often hear that forgiveness is a process, yet I know for me I didn't understand why. I thought that if I had that moment where I forgave a person in my family for abusing me, it should just stick. That should be it. I should be able to move forward without bringing the past pain in to the present. That the anger should subside and I should be free. When that didn't work, I was confused. Until I understood what that process truly means.<br />
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Forgiveness is most effective when done at the event level. Meaning that we articulate what happened, what we felt and then that we forgive. Again, I am not suggesting that this be done with the person who hurt you. Most likely, they are not safe enough to hear you.<br />
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There is a brilliant woman by the name of Dr. Carolyn Leaf. She has studied the brain for nearly 30 years and has deep wells of information. Her website is drleaf.com. My favorite is her DVD series called "Who Switched Off My Brain". The information is so intense that I had to watch it a few times to catch everything.<br />
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A microscopic view of memory in our brain shows that it looks like tree branches woven together. This is how memory forms. However, when we go through an event that is painful or traumatic it looks different. You can see a dark patch and a closer look shows those memory branches with what looks like little thorns on them. Here's the part that will blow your mind. Scientifically in the lab they have observed this. When you go through the process of forgiveness for that event, those little thorns fall off and a healthy memory grows over the top. The result is that you don't lose the memory of the event, it just isn't toxic anymore.<br />
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You see, those dark patches in the memory of your brain can be triggered by anything that reminds you of the event (could be a smell, the way someone speaks, and so on). So every time that happens it literally sets off a chemical reaction in your body that is harmful to you. You know those moments when you have an interaction and all of a sudden your heart is racing and you feel clammy. Or perhaps you find yourself reacting in a way that you didn't expect. Sometimes there's a person and for whatever reason we find it hard to be around them and we don't know why. Those are all signs that we are being triggered.<br />
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I went through a lot of abuse as a child. No amount of curbing my behavior as an adult was effective. Neither was a blanket "I forgive". It was a step, yet it didn't reflect in the way I felt in my spirit. It wasn't until I started using the tools that I learned in Grief Recovery to articulate at the event level that I started to see things change significantly. I was also fortunate to have a wonderful therapist who did deep prayer work by bringing Jesus in to those events. She is the one who originally showed me the DVDs from Dr. Leaf.<br />
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Sometimes I drive my husband crazy with my quest to understand why. It is both a blessing and a curse. For this purpose though, it helped me to understand why forgiveness is so important. It effects not only our relationships, work, and ability to make money, it also greatly effects our health. And there is science to prove it.<br />
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Are there things that you are having a hard time letting go of?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08548410527161750542noreply@blogger.com0